Roger Goodell wakes up every morning with the weight of the world – or at least ESPN – on his shoulders. The NFL – the lifeblood of America; our annual distraction from economic woe, political quagmire and two wars (or is it three?) – is on the brink of a season lost to a multibillion-dollar labor dispute, and Goodell's legacy may rest on his ability to break the gridiron gridlock before a single kickoff is missed.
Norman Chad takes a rare inside look at a typical day in the life of the NFL commissioner, tongue firmly in cheek. We think.Roger Goodell wakes up every morning with the weight of the world – or at least ESPN – on his shoulders. The NFL – the lifeblood of America; our annual distraction from economic woe, political quagmire and two wars (or is it three?) – is on the brink of a season lost to a multibillion-dollar labor dispute, and Goodell's legacy may rest on his ability to break the gridiron gridlock before a single kickoff is missed.
(If the 2011 NFL season is canceled, Ron Jaworski reportedly has told friends he will defect to Canada.)
Here now, a rare inside look at a typical day in the life of the NFL commissioner, grappling moment by moment with the fate of Sports Nation:
7:35 a.m.: Arises, gazes into bathroom mirror and says out loud, “I am Roger Goodell, commissioner of the National Football League.”
7:45: Daily breakfast of strawberries, truffles, a Crepe Suzette and champagne.
8:13: Sets up TiVo for “Around the Horn” and “The Borgias.”
8:27: Cancels weekly foot massage due to minor fungal problem.
9:10: Alphabetizes file of players currently on suspension for drug violations.
9:20: Alphabetizes file of players fined last season for illegal hits.
9:30: Alphabetizes file of players detained by law enforcement in the past 12 months.
10:02: Fires gardener when he catches him watching MLS games instead of watering lawn.
10:40: Meets with tailor to decide what color wool coat to wear at next court appearance – light gray, dark gray, charcoal gray or Rozelle gray.
11:07: Tells priest – at confession – that he really doesn't care about the fans.
11:36: Bids $47,800 on eBay for Paulie Walnuts' pinky ring.
11:53: Calls Sports Illustrated's Peter King, tells him off the record that a settlement is “impending.”
11:59: Calls back SI's Peter King, tells him off the record that he meant a settlement is “improbable.”
12:05 p.m.: Monthly lunch with Paul Tagliabue; loses coin flip and has to pick up the check.
1:18: Contacts Dan Rooney because he's having trouble getting first-class upgrade on Aer Lingus for annual golf vacation in Dublin.
1:42: Impulsively tells driver to pull over into Men's Wearhouse so he can pick up new suit for NFL Draft.
2:07: Asks wife Jane – for the umpteenth time – to call him “Commissioner” outside of the house, too.
2:15: Makes prank call to DeMaurice Smith, telling him he has exceeded his cellphone usage for the month and must buy a higher-tiered rate plan.
2:17: Smiles devilishly as he lets Jerry Jones' call go to voicemail.
2:19: Calls James Harrison “to shoot the breeze.” Keeps talking after Harrison hangs up on him.
2:21: “Get Mubarak on the phone – we're thinking of playing a game in Cairo!”
3:10: Plays squash with Dick Ebersol at the Princeton Club.
4:16: Confides to manicurist that “personal seat licenses are the greatest thing since the advent of the pay toilet.”
4:40: Asks NFL Films to send him “all available footage” of NFLPA player reps.
5:02: Berates family butler for misplacing croquet set.
5:29: Can't find Brooks Brothers bowling shirt for NFL Network's Lucky Strike Lanes soiree.
6:10: Fishes out year-old USA Today from backyard pool.
6:33: Asks personal assistant to book him on “Larry King Live.”
6:55: While nobody's looking, pours a shot of Louis XIII cognac into his cup of herbal tea.
7:30: Monthly consult with David Stern in the back seat of the NBA commissioner's Lincoln Continental at that abandoned lot under the Brooklyn Bridge.
9:14: Rereads Machiavelli's “The Prince.”
10:20: Sends text to Ray Lewis: “Who's ur daddy?”
10:44: Sneaks into den, dresses up in his private collection of vintage Neville Chamberlain outfits.
Midnight: Takes nightly hot tub while Jeff Pash feeds him grapes.
Ask the Slouch!
Q:I see where Mike Sexton made a World Poker Tour final table, so he won’t be able to announce it as he normally would. What would happen if you ever made a World Series of Poker Main Event final table? — Mike Matthews, Oxon Hill, Md.
A:Pigs would fly.
Q:Re: Kobe Bryant’s slur directed toward referee Bennie Adams — is Black Mamba getting public-speaking tutoring from Charles Barkley? — Steven Richards, Albany, N.Y.
A:In Bryant’s defense, I believe Adams had just called him a “cluckin’ maggot.”
Q:Since many Middle Eastern rulers now have to find other work, is it safe to assume that Joe Paterno is the world’s longest-reigning dictator? — John Koch, Pittsburgh
A:Though semi-retired, Fidel Castro’s got him by seven years.
Q:Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re planning to lock out your readers unless we agree to send more questions and take an 18-cent pay cut? — William Murray, Chicago
A:Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
Norman Chad is a freelance writer in Los Angeles.
Source: http://www.cleveland.com/sports/index.ssf/2011/04/with_heavy_concerns_nfls_boss.html
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