After the death of Nigel Pargetter in The Archers, his mother-in-law is adamant that his young children should go to the funeral
Should young children go to their parents' funerals? It's a question, thankfully, most of us aren't called on to answer. But if we are, our decision can have a lasting impact.
It has just come up in (of all places) The Archers. In a moving speech, Jill Archer, mother of Elizabeth Pargetter, whose husband Nigel famously died in a recent rooftop fall, explains to her daughter why the Pargetters' 11-year-old twins should go to their father's funeral.
Having lost her father at an early age, she reveals, she was denied "the chance to say goodbye" when her mother died not long afterwards, because at seven, she was thought to have been through enough. But, Jill says: "It made me think people could just disappear, without any explanation ? people you loved, and who you thought loved you."
Long afterwards, she continues, "I was a very wary person. I didn't want to be hurt again. But then I met your father. He taught me to love again, so I could start to forgive my mother for leaving me without a word and never coming back."
Research by educationalpsychologist Dr John Holland, a specialist in the field, who describes Jill's story as "totally accurate", bears her out. In a pioneering study of adults who had lost a parent while still at school, none of the 47% who attended the funeral reported any negative experiences. Two-thirds said it was positive or helpful, allowing them to "grasp reality" and "letting them say goodbye".
Of the 53% who did not attend, however ? many were forbidden outright, others distracted from going ? more than 75% later wished they had. They felt regret, exclusion, anger, hurt, frustration, or a "detachment from reality". Those who were given the choice and decided not to go did not experience the same negative feelings.
"A funeral is a family rite of passage and important in the grieving process," says Holland, author of Understanding Children's Experiences of Parental Bereavement. "Don't force them, but it's important for children to feel involved. The golden rule is to explain what it's about, in terms they can understand ? and give them the choice."
There is, he adds, no lower age limit: "A child will always gain something. And you should see the anger of people, 40 or 50 years later, who were banned or tricked into not going."
What do you think? Add your comments below.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2011/jan/16/young-children-at-parents-funeral
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